31 May, 2008

the perfect love story

having a small complete and overwhelming urge to watch annie hall and everything
woody and diane did together after bumping into
this clip

so a few things i must revisit

one of the greatest comedies ever: love and death (the first 10 minutes)

which brings me to...
play it again sam (1972)woody and diane's first film together..

and this excerpt
woody: I got you a present cos I know it's your birthday.
diane: How'd you know?
woody: You mentioned the date and I remembered it. It's the same date my mother had her hysterectomy.
diane: It's lovely. It's beautiful.
A plastic skunk.

woody: It's so cute and I heard you say skunks
are your favourite animals.
diane: I'm so touched.
woody: You like it?
diane: I love it.
woody: It doesn't do anything, it's just a skunk.


29 May, 2008

bold and brave

The Edge of Heaven

**** (Cert 15)

Peter Bradshaw
Friday February 22, 2008
The Guardian

The Turkish-German director Fatih Akin's new film has been given a poetic English title for its UK release, but the German original, Auf der Anderen Seite, "On the Other Side", is better. This is an intriguing, complex, beautifully acted and directed piece of work, partly a realist drama of elaborate coincidences, near-misses and near-hits, further tangled with shifts in the timeline - and partly an almost dreamlike meditation with visual symmetries and narrative rhymes.

It is about the tension between Germany and Turkey, to whom postwar West Germany opened its doors for "guest-worker" labourers, thereby getting an economic boost but creating for itself an unacknowledged quasi-imperial legacy of guilt and cultural division. And it is about the gulf between the first- and second-generation Turkish-Germans, conflicted about their identity and their relation with the old country, itself conflicted as it prepares to join the European Union.

on a more superficial note
dear hanna schygulla is still one of the finest actresses around and this film is no exception but can we take a moment and note, age does ravage.


benefits of a cold bath

The Cold bath or showers, which consists of temperatures varying from 50 F to 70 F may be used to, stimulate a woman’s metabolism. The feeling of exhilaration is achieved with cold water temperatures because the circulation becomes rapid in the body. The cold water temperatures are used as a metabolic stimulant, for obesity, and for atonic states. A study performed at the University of Hull found the regime of cold showers taken by athletes could reduce stress levels and create mental toughness. Cold baths and showers can wake both you and your muscles up during morning hours, revitalize the body after work; help cool down a sunburn and prevent it from penetrating to deeper layers of the skin, and it can temporarily alleviate skin irritations such as insect bites and minor skin allergies. But a word of caution, be sure that your heart, arteries and blood pressure can stand the shock. Because of the sudden drop in body temperature, the increase in pulse and respiration, as well as the dilation of blood vessels, this temperature should only be used for short periods of time, not over 3 minutes, more as a dip than an actual immersion. After the cold water experience, always towel dry completely and quickly. The use of cold water temperatures should only be used by the healthiest of individuals (err), consult your doctor if you have concerns.

28 May, 2008

Shag Marriage Bridge in Twin Peaks

Much as i bemoaned the fate of poor slutty Laura Palmer, i think it's far more fitting, years down the line, to revisit the bevvy of beauties and the abundance of hot men that made up the population (51,201) of the creepiest town just shy of the canadian border.
so here i go:
bobby briggs (dana ashbrook)

james (james marshall)

dale cooper (kyle maclachlan)

john justice wheeler (billy zane)

ah yes.. good times.. happy days...

27 May, 2008

The passion of Joan of Arc

hypnotized. mesmerized. staggered. humbled. yet again.

and to think that the whole print was found in an insane asylum in norway.

and for the five-minute climax

silently weeping

21 May, 2008

Delta (2008) Mundruczo'

in competition, presented yesterday at cannes

A quiet young man returns to the wild, isolated landscape of the Delta. It is a labyrinth of waterways, small islands and over-grown vegetation, where the villagers are cut off from the outside world. The young man, who has been away since early childhood, is introduced to a sister he never knew he had. She is frail and timid, but resolute when she decides to join him in his run-down hut on the shore. Together they build a house on stilts in the middle of the river, far away from everyone else. One day, they invite the villagers over to share a meal together, but it becomes apparent that the coarse locals do not accept their "unnatural" relationship.

At 33, he is the youngest director in competition this year at the Cannes Film Festival, but Hungarian filmmaker Kornél Mundruczó is certainly not the least talented. Delta, his third feature, proudly confirms his highly personal style and the enormous potential of this emerging young star.

Staggeringly beautiful from an aesthetic perspective, the film manages to captivate viewers despite its minimalist plot and dialogues. This impressive feat is achieved thanks to the charisma of the two leading actors (Orsi Toth and new-found actor Lajko Felix, a famous violinist and composer of Delta’s excellent score) and a keen sense of directorial style."

20 May, 2008

(Welcome to) the Dollhouse

my pal always knows how to perk me up

passing afternoon

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone


season finale and i have not wept this much (in a tv series) in YEARS, marjorie.

no. 1 top dive

everyone acts coy. except guilty party

shooting his wad

upppppp....and dowwwwwwwwwnnnn

you know who you are

an epic walk

from the hinter land to the main land
across a pink bridge
and mini tel aviv with a crop of rastafarian jews

mango effect

19 May, 2008

misadventures in the caribbean - part 2


after action packed, wobbly wobbly and bouncy bouncy 5 minute flight
we emerge from said micro light plane
slighty shaken but not stirred.
proceed to light fag within spitting distance of propellers and fuel tank

to soothe frayed nerves
get shouted at by fat local (KEEEEENYA)

get in cab. lady v's luggage safely stowed on lap
30 minute journey on dirt roads
punctuated with a constant refrain from tot a:
"this wasn't built when i was last here!!"
arrive at delectable blue bungalows (the blue iguana)

postcard picture perfect caribbean beach.
more inane grinning.
proceed to strip to bare essentials (aka tits out friday) and plunge
into crystal clear turquoise waters
under blazing midday sun

proceed to fry like korean fried chicken
prostrate on striped beach cushions

tot v has the first of 3 celebratory gin tonics
f abstains. natch. after the latest abortive attempt at hol detox.

tot a makes miraculous and speedy recovery
leading tot f to suspect it was all an attenion seeking ploy
lady v keeps snorting gin

five hours later return to bungalow
and examine damage done by third degree burns
in true englishman abroad fash(ion).
throbbling lightly
avail ourselves of communal and rustic shower facilities
admire tot a dimples on tot a pert, though somewhat reduced, ass

over dinner
tot a confesses that days at the beach are
not in fact 7 as expected (and promised)
but barely 3
tot f apoplectic with wrath (aka gotterdamerung rage)

lady v, in order to deal with sitch, downs buckets of gin
and bangs on about her nov(el)
tot f now
in silent gandhi like protest
refuses to wear flips on rock strewn road home

we all hop in same bed to watch pirated dvds.
tot a falls asleep withing 5 minutes. mouth open.
and is despatched to bed. and locked in room as punishment
lady v, supremely displeased
with the lack of strong or any female leads in said movie
and passes out
tot f sits alone still fuming and plotting revenge

day two
awake to a civilized breakfast
(at noon)
and engage in sparkling banter with our rotund french hostess annette
who bangs on about terrible sitch in burma
(so tot f wanders off to scavange fag ends in room)
annette introduces the trio to the concept of "sanky panky"
(local slang for rent boys)

sudden realization of mismatch of age and race between couples on beach
said hostess's younger and darker boyfriend
appears only to be dispatched on errand. rightly so (KEEENYA)

befriend pack of local strays (dogs)

and resume stripping to bare essentials
laughing in the face of imminent blistering
lady v, taking a small nap, is wrenched from the arms of morpheus
by sensation of rough tongue against nip
tells flavia to fuk off
opens eyes to see flea-ridden stray dog suckling.
proceeds to order that whole bar be brought to her IMMEDIATELY
to recover from the devastating yet oddly sensuous experience.

fkj goes krause
flicking through tourist literatures and brochures
plans extensive and exerting physical activity
to be crammed in last remaining two days
tot a moves sun lounger up the beach out of ear shot
tot v pretends to acquiesce in true world war two appeasement strategy (chamberlain)

after more communal showering
proceed for leisurely walk on beach for sundown snifter

are recommended a ponsy and pretentious eaterie (by french hostess) run by two fat gallic fags
against better judgement and after a few stiff ones in leopard-printed sanky panky hideout
we go to said shit hole restaurant
order copious amounts of food. tot f toys with single mollusc
as tot a and tot v devour entrees the size of houses
and lady v has a bed of bread topped with goat cheese (aka cheese sandwich)
during interminable wait between execrable servings
tot a dispatched to procure fags.
accidentally is perplexed by row of beautiful and underage GGIIRRLS
who raise eyebrows in flirtatious fashion (SANKY PANKY!)
assuming they are waitresses, politely inquires after some cigarettes
moment later, truth dawns, as he realizes they are not serving wenches but ladies of the nights
blushing furiously, tot at rushes back to his tots that by now are at their third martini and giggling.

the worst is yet to come however
the mango creme brulee is eventually served on a ceremonial (slash sacrificial) platter

with much pride and fanfair by fat french fag (it is our SPECCCIALTY, mais non?)
the trio dive voraciously into the pustular slop.
tot f retreats after one spoon when she realizes it is not bruleed
lady v, in an attempt to be polite, stops after two
tot a porks the rest.
five minutes later. a and v are doing the mango tango in the loo
as tot f puffs delicately on marlboro light.

lady v returns to table ashen faced but will give no further detail
as to what she found in the ladies loo
clearly the mango brulee left a tsunami of destruction in its wake.

more tragedy was to come.
in what will now be known as the watergate tot scandal.
after the devastatingly bad and pricey meal
we fortified our spirits with several rousing gins and vod pods
which left us gasping for air and water in the middle of the night.
lady v is shaken roughly awake by a fuming (and naked) tot f
who demands compensation for lady v's indiscriminate swigging of all the water

tot v, visibly shaken, turns the other way, rump in the air. and groans painfully.
appalled at lady v's lack of concern, or any attempt at atonement
tot f won't desist from demand that lady v accompany her for an epic walk along beach
at 530am, as penance.
lady v points out it is still dark. and puts ear plug holes back in.
three hours later a shame faced lady v presents f with a jug of chilled mountain spring water
tot a. emerges from bedroom and mildly enquires what all
the wailing was all about.
we explain. he counter accuses tot f of locking him in bedroom thereby
denying access to communal loo
and forcing him to relieve his exploding bladder
amongst tropical pot plants

tot f and v reconciled over shared amusement at the plight of the male amongst them.

third and final day

tot f renounces all aformentioned plans to
kite surf
ride horses on beach
trek to distant waterfall
scuba dive
do press ups
and stop eating ever again

in favour of getting her tits out on the beach AGAIN
the intrepid trio, however,
desperate for a change of scenery
stumble along to secluded cove
followed by pack of rapid hounds hankering for the lady v nip.

seven hours later, bronzed to within an inch of their lives,
much blackslapping self satisfaction at a job well done in the grilling department
they decide to seek light refreshment before showering
at local dive
three hours later
a new game is created, which tot f entitles "what would lady v do"
a rousing multiple choice quiz
in which our intrepid heroine is foisted in challenging historic situations
(French revolution, WW2 and the ice age)
and given a range of options.
aided with lashings of alcohol,
the game is a triumph,
rivalled only by age-old tot favourite shag marriage bridge

tot a, proceeds to whisk the fair lady v
off her stumpy bar stool
and teach her the bare essentials of the meringue.

rag doll style, lady v is dipped and ducked and dived
to the amusement of the bar staff.
tot f orders a scotch
which lady v proceeds to snort.
staggering home. we butcher cole porter's heaven
on our return
tot a is cornered by our polite and burmese-obsessed hostess
to discuss the latest developments in rangoon
while female tots waltz in the veranda.
after abortive attempt to watch film and communal showering.
tot a tucked in bed by 930pm
the others pile on single bed

decide to appropriate a nancy mitford cracker and make it our own
to fire at hateful women we don't like

"you look like the eldest and the ugliest of the bronte sisters"

we spend last remaining hours before sun rise
laughing at our own cleverness.


lady v and frau krause

adventures in the caribbean - part 1

arrival to santo domingo.
we stay at fab former nunnery
tot a stays at pal's airy and ravishing apartment with sybaritic terrace furniture.
tot a dying. or so he professes. we insist it is a 24 hour bug.

smoke furiously around him
laddling lashings of gin and vod down our throats in full heady excitement at imminent beach hols

develop small coterie of adoring dominican youth
and proceed to drink copious amounts of rum (53% proof and from guadeloupe).
ignore local colonial sights.
make mild attempt to visit historic attractions but are all closed for bank holiday.

accompany a now muribund tot at to VERY important work meeting (social enterprise/peace keeping/UN)
said very important work contact is in fact dull soph and total bridge fodder
surely christian. so we proceed to drive her away with primal laughter the occasional contemptuous cackle. and risque jokes.

and the odd bust thrust manouver
with another batch of fans, v and f engage in numerous rounds of shag marriage bridge porno version.
ditch coterie in small hours. pop into local dive for the proverbial roadie.
tot v awakens in same bed as f. naked and dribbling. forgetting who she is
and banging on about her luggage. finds one of alberto's pubes between toes.
36 hours later tot a has dropped to half his body weight and is proned on terrace
in dramatic consumptive pose. unable to speak. trembling lightly.
we ignore him. his imminent death unless antibiotics are taken is of little interest

tof f starts getting ansty and demanding beach time immediately

tot v plays loyal wife. lays hand on forehead of tot a in concerned fashion
puffing delicately at local cig.
bored now they watch excrecable film (love in time of cholera)
tot a spends night retching violently

tot v and f go out in search of more dives
develop instinctual understanding of local bar culture.
whilst avoiding all natives (KKKEEEENNNYA) and bang on about the days of the raj.

at one nameless haunt with random domino set
we engage in a rousing bout of this intellectually challenging game
having no idea of rules of engagement

proceed to call mothers, friends and siblings forgetting time difference
demanding rules of game IMMEDIATELY
receive text from tiz morning after, inquiring as to health and sanity
silence on the vestibule front.

prelude to last night in santo domingo

massive party thrown in our honour
we wear fetching frox
tot a's jeans are now hanging loosely from hips
where there was an ass
there is now a cavity
tot v and f are charged with purchase of liquids
which they carry out with aplomb
and decide to reward themselves
with a quickie at fave dive aka PROUD MARY
three hours later realize they are late for own party
yet shrug off queries as to whereabouts with casual disdain and inane grinning
proceed to ignore room of pretty girls, the finest fillies this fair town has to offer

and make bee line
for anorexic german chap who regales f with stories of his child abuse at hands of brother's friend
tot f is transfixed
lady v cornered by a fat fag
tot a surrounded by adoring females as per.

day after stumble to catch micro light plane (english patient like)

tot a can hardly stumble across tarmac.
picturing ourselves as laterday kristin scott thomases in fetching white chiffon.
instead lady v is sweaty and terrified as tot f grins sadistically